I’m so sorry you’re going through this and I really hope this information helps. A website dedicated to helping victims of abuse deals specifies that three things are involved in any emotionally charge situation:
1. The event that started it
2. The victim’s belief about what started it
3. The resulting emotions
Because it is an emotional situation, they point out that it is easy to jump straight from one to three without stopping to consider number two. If you can focus on changing your beliefs about what sets your partner off, then you may be able to control your response. For example, dinner is late. Your partner starts to verbally abuse you. You now have the choice of thinking a) “this is all my fault, I should have had dinner ready on time”, or b) “I know he had a stressful day at work and he just found the insurance bill on his way in the front door – he isn’t angry at me, he is frustrated and stressed”. Hopefully focusing on option b will help you to feel calmer and less hurt by what your partner is saying. It may also help you to address his poor behavior after he has calmed down.
Another important point that this website makes is the need to set clear boundaries for what is acceptable and what is not. If these boundaries are crossed then you need to take action, for the sake of you and your children.
Finally, talking to others can help. Whether it’s online forums and discussions like this one or a victim support network, talking to others who have had similar experiences can help you to see what is normal and how to move forward.